I started pushing people away - those who were kind to me - with the simple sentiment that 'they would never understand'. I didn't trust my school counsellors, I didn't think to ask my parents. I had nobody to turn to.
This hopelessness turned into a daily struggle of anger, confusion, sadness...
And when those days turn into weeks, months, and years - that breaks a person. I can't ever see myself in a positive light, my self-esteem is close to rock-bottom and has never risen from that spot. My heart was broken, my soul was broken, I was broken. And I didn't know how to fix myself.
So...I didn't. I went on with life - sad, but putting on a mask that hid all of those emotions from the world. I put my head down and worked. Focused solely on work. No self-care, no self-love - just work. I suppose things worked out in the end, sort of, I managed to claw my way into medical school. But then again, was that really all of my effort? I had a golden ticket to get in - my medical history was a saga in itself, a story tantalizing enough for any medical school interviewer to drop their questions and listen. In any case, a tale for another time.
Right, Medical School. I have a love-hate relationship with medical school. On one hand, the things I've learnt are fascinating - and I want to use all of that to help human beings, to help my patients. I know first-hand what it means to be a patient, and not many medical students or doctors do. But...medical school takes away your heart-to-help. Exams that are based on nothing but memorization, role-playing empathy that feels all-levels of fake.
Again, another heart shattered.
Once more, with a shattered and broken heart - I let myself go. I lost myself and my soul to another seemingly-endless grind...
~ Macy/Hearth
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