I forgot to mention in my previous post that my CPA dosage is 25mg daily, and my Estrofem is now 6mg (up from 2, and 4 in the previous follow-ups with Dr. Ting).
Every day, now, it's half a pill of CPA, and 3 pills of blue Estrofem. Every day, it's looking forward to taking my HRT. And a sense of euphoria when I do. But for the times in between, gosh is it rough.
I wake up, look at the mirror, and worry that my chin and jawline are too masculine. I see that my facial hair has grown back again - and cry. It hurts. I'm a *girl* - and that doesn't equate with having facial hair. It's so...incongruous. Shaving hurts too, my skin is sensitive, and it gets all red and painful. Not a good experience by any stretch. Oh, and thanks to my parents for giving me the 'full beard' gene. That's a rarity, amongst Asian individuals. Didn't want or need it though, haha...at least laser's around the corner...if and when I can afford it.
I still see so many imperfections in myself, so many insecurities. My weight, my height, my shoulder width, my muscular calves...any and all of it that contributes to my daily dose of dysphoria. It does feel better, a lot better, after HRT. The changes are also helping - my facial features are softer, and again, I have to remind myself that it's been little over 2 months of effective physiological hormone replacement.
"Baby Steps" - the best advice I can offer anyone, whether that comes to transgender healthcare and HRT, or anything else. I have to learn to take my own advice...
But...to little-me with your long hair and pink Hello-Kitty jacket...hang in there. You'll get to the point where you can finally tell yourself; "Baby Steps". For the countless nights that you wished upon a lucky star that you were born a girl, for the countless days that you spent daydreaming of being a girl...you are one. And you're valid.
~ Macy/Hearth.
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